Celebrities are usually famous for glamour and wealth rather than their achievements. Some say taking them as an example can be dangerous for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Celebrities are usually famous for glamour and wealth rather than their achievements. Some say taking them as an example can be dangerous for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Submitted by devabe2005 on Sun, 09/07/2014 - 15:23

In this modern world, celebrity’s bad qualities in personal activities and affairs are highlighted in the media. Some people reckon that it is harmful for the youngsters to follow them as a role model. I partially agree that it is grievous t0 follow celebrities as idol to teenager but their fair qualities should not be disregard.

To begin with, horrific behavior of the celebrity’s temp younger generation to follow as they assume that it is accepted in the society. For example, the actor acts like smoking in consuming alcohol which attracts younger audience to adopt the same activities which result in serious consequence in their lifetime. It altogether affects the society as they have perilous diseases in the future. Some people would follow as their celebrities by buying expensive items which is not needed result in debt or robbery for the fan following.

Despite the appalling behavior of celebrities they possess some tremendous qualities like participating in philanthropy and supporting health awareness. For example, famous music composer A.R. Rahman is well known for his marvelous music who is a philanthropist and ambassador of UNICEF (United Nations International Child’s Emergency Fund) which promotes better health and education facilities for children. By effective participation of this celebrity encourage youth to support and donate for charities and child education.

To conclude, though celebrities motivates immoral behavior among youths there are admirable activities cannot be ignored. They deliver both peril and remarkable message to the public. It is younger generation responsibilities to take only the excellent qualities from the famous personalities.

Votes
Average: 4.5 (4 votes)
Essay Categories
IELTS Writing Task II - IELTS Academic

Comments

the actor acts like smoking in consuming alcohol which attracts younger audience to adopt the same activities which result in serious consequence in their lifetime.
//don't put two 'which' in one sentence

Some people would follow as their celebrities by buying expensive items which is not needed result in debt or robbery for the fan following.
Some people would follow their celebrities by buying expensive items which are not needed and resulted in debt or robbery for the fans following.

A.R. Rahman is well known for his marvelous music who is a philanthropist and ambassador of UNICEF
A.R. Rahman who is a philanthropist and ambassador of UNICEF is well known for his marvelous music
A.R. Rahman, a philanthropist and ambassador of UNICEF, is well known for his marvelous music

By effective participation of this celebrity encourage youth to support and donate for charities and child education.
By effective participation of this celebrity, it encourages youths to support and donate for charities and child education.

there are admirable activities cannot be ignored.
their admirable activities cannot be ignored.

It is younger generation responsibilities
It is younger generation's responsibilities

flaws:
No. of Grammatical Errors: 6 2

and how did you practice grammar?

Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 5.5 out of 9
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 6 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 13 15
No. of Words: 257 350
No. of Characters: 1412 1500
No. of Different Words: 162 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.004 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.494 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.988 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 117 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 89 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 66 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 49 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 19.769 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 6.704 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.308 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.323 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.571 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.053 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 4 5

Your problems are mainly on the structure of a sentence. Always remember the structure of a sentence:

------------------------------
subject + verb + object
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So you can't put two verbs for one sentence:

there are admirable activities cannot be ignored.

You can't omit the subject for one sentence:

By effective participation of this celebrity encourage youth to support and donate for charities and child education.

If you want to modify the sentence, so you need clauses:

-------------------------------------------------
subject + clause + verb + object + clause
-------------------------------------------------

So you need to put clauses properly:

A.R. Rahman is well known for his marvelous music who is a philanthropist and ambassador of UNICEF

here who is for A.R. Rahman, not for music:
A.R. Rahman who is a philanthropist and ambassador of UNICEF is well known for his marvelous music
A.R. Rahman, a philanthropist and ambassador of UNICEF, is well known for his marvelous music

Try to understand what is clause and how to use 'which', 'who','whose', 'that'...

items which is not needed
items which are not needed

Need to practice grammar, not only read books.