Sample TOEFL essay: do you agree or disagree with the following statement? people should sometimes do things that they do not enjoy doing. use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

People are social beings. To play safe in this world, they must do things that are pleasing to everybody. There is one popular saying " When you are in Rome, act like Romans". So, I totally agree with the statement that, people should sometimes do things that are not enjoyable due to personal, social and economic reasons.

First, to succeed personally, we should compromise every fields we works. This starts from our house itself. For example, taking care of kids are a hectic job, but it is parent's responsibility. So we are forcing to do things that are not enjoyable. Then, instead of revealing our true attitude towards our boss, we have to act in a polite way to be in a successful career.

In addition to personnel success, to get acceptable by this society, everybody must do things that are not enjoyable. I am not really fond of parties or fashion. But, if i won't act like others, i will get rejected by the society where i am living. Sometimes i am forced to give money to conduct the neighborhood annual party. If i won't give money to them, people won't help me when i need them.

Last but not the least, for economic reasons, everybody must sacrifice some or the other things in their lives. In spite of living in a big house that I wish for, I am living in a small apartment with few amenities. It is really hard for me to suppress my wishes, but I must do that to safeguard my family.

so, in conclusion, to be safe in this world, we must act in a wise way not the best way, then only we can succeed as a person in all our endeavors.

Votes
Average: 5.6 (5 votes)
Essay Categories

we should compromise every fields we works.
we should compromise in every field we work.

flaws:
No. of Words: 292 350
No. of Different Words: 156 200

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You don't just put reasons and examples. Need more argument. Try this pattern to expand your ideas:

Para 1: introduction. my choice: A or B. agree or disagree.

Para 2: First,reason 1 (1 sentence) + why reason 1(some arguments. 2-3 sentences) + examples for reason 1 (around 2 sentences) + small conclusions (like advantages of reason 1 or comparisons if not reason 1, 1-2 sentences).

Para 3: Second,reason 2 ,blabla... do the same thing as First

Para 4: Third, reason 3 blabla... do the same thing as First but shorter

Para 5: Conclusion.
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Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 21 in 30
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 1 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 19 15
No. of Words: 292 350
No. of Characters: 1222 1500
No. of Different Words: 156 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.134 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.185 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.384 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 81 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 48 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 32 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 23 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 15.368 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 7.213 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.684 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.304 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.532 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.116 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5