The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products."Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are h

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The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.

"Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age."

Though inspiring and full of passion about building a new store in Plainsville, the vice president of Nature's Way failed to make a clear point at showing why Plansville is the best choice. He/she easily linked two matters that were not reason-cause logic to each other. Not giving detailed data or more information about the reports and surveys also weakened his point of view.

On one hand, participating in fitness programs or doing exercises does not mean that they also have to eat health food or health-related products. There is no directly related cause between these two matters. However, if the vice president could have provided more detailed data of the percentage of how many residents who join health clubs out of the whole residents in Plainsville, the argument would have become much more persuasive.

On the other hand, there is doubt about the results from the previous experiences that their stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. The towns that the previous experiences were drawn from might not be that representative. And by mentioning areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives, the president did not do or tell what age period this survey was done among. This may be an area where most people are the elders. Therefore, Plainsville might not be the best choice since he also failed doing a research on this town.

Last but not least, people who enjoy doing exercises and go to health clubs may not all have favor in buying health food or health-related products. The may frequently do exercise while also enjoy eating junk food. The vice president may have made a hasty generalization based on his common sense without doing further detailed research.

This passage has had made great effort in explaining why the vice president wants to choose Plainsville as the location for their new store. However, it would be more convincing if he gave more detailed data and spoke more specific about the surveys and reports that were mentioned in his written memorandum.

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'On the other hand' means However. It doesn't mean 'On another hand'.

Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 4.5 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 16 15
No. of Words: 346 350
No. of Characters: 1700 1500
No. of Different Words: 189 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.313 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.913 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.575 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 106 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 80 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 58 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 38 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 21.625 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 8.2 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.625 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.32 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.576 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.09 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5