The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer; several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe; and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight at 7 P.M. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment."
The author argues that the proposed new jazz club in the city of Monroe would be successful business idea because there’s no club nearby in the city. Several musicians live in the city; and jazz festival last summer were successful as more than 100000 people visited. However, in the evidences provided by the author, there are several flaws, assumptions, and illogical rationales he made to support the arguments. In order to strengthen the arguments, he should go through several discussions below.
First, the author argues that the proposed new jazz club will be successful because of the successful jazz festival last summer in which over 100,000 people visited. Even though these evidences sound relevant to the argument, these reports cannot guarantee the success of the new jazz club opening in the city because only one year of jazz festival success does not represent that local people in Monroe will visit the new opening jazz club. There are many variables that can affect and predict the popularity of the genre of music, jazz, in the city. Especially, music festivals are a huge event that usually visitors who live outside of the city can visit the city for the festival. Therefore, the author cannot assume that all the people in the festival were from Monroe city. In order to strengthen the argument and avoid unnecessary assumption, he should survey how many people from the city in order to study whether most people in the city like jazz music.
Second, according to the author, the city highest rated radio program in Monroe is jazz program. However, all the listeners would not prefer to visit the jazz club with several reasons. Also, there is several reasons that the radio rating cannot possibly be a representative information of music preference of people in the city. Even though the ratio is the highest radio channel, people could select the one because the other channels are terribly designed programs. Depending on preference, listeners would not like jazz as much as they visit jazz club in the city. Therefore, the author should specifically investigate how radio channel surveyed the rating and the reason for why listeners chose the jazz radio channel as the number one.
Third, nationwide study has good advantages and information to know. However, the average amount of money spent for jazz entertainment would necessarily represent the specific city in Monroe about the expenditure of jazz entertainment. Some of cities can spend much higher than the city of Monroe which weight up the average amount of money for jazz entertainment in Monroe. In this case, the author should refer the average of the city itself rather than the average of the nationwide. With that, since jazz club is one of major jazz entertainment, if the money spends are higher in the city, it is likely that people spend more money on jazz club which increase the credence of the argument as well.
In order to strengthen the evidences and argument, the author should consider the listed suggestions thoroughly and discuss those assumptions he made in the previous arguments about opening a jazz club in the city.
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Comments
Essay evaluation report
flaws:
also need to argue:
Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, the proposed new jazz club in Monroe, the C-Note, would have the local market all to itself.
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Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 4.0 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 22 15
No. of Words: 520 350
No. of Characters: 2555 1500
No. of Different Words: 196 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.775 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.913 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.473 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 182 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 121 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 79 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 53 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 23.636 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 8.536 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.455 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.396 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.563 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.181 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 5, column 193, Rule ID: THERE_S_MANY[4]
Message: Did you mean 'there are several reasons'?
Suggestion: there are several reasons
...e jazz club with several reasons. Also, there is several reasons that the radio rating cannot possibly b...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 7, column 237, Rule ID: MOST_SOME_OF_NNS[1]
Message: After 'Some of', you should use 'the' ('Some of the cities') or simply say ''Some cities''.
Suggestion: Some of the cities; Some cities
... the expenditure of jazz entertainment. Some of cities can spend much higher than the city of ...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, first, however, if, second, so, then, therefore, third, well
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 15.0 19.6327345309 76% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 18.0 12.9520958084 139% => OK
Conjunction : 8.0 11.1786427146 72% => OK
Relative clauses : 13.0 13.6137724551 95% => OK
Pronoun: 20.0 28.8173652695 69% => OK
Preposition: 67.0 55.5748502994 121% => OK
Nominalization: 14.0 16.3942115768 85% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2627.0 2260.96107784 116% => OK
No of words: 520.0 441.139720559 118% => OK
Chars per words: 5.05192307692 5.12650576532 99% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.77530192783 4.56307096286 105% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.56636686881 2.78398813304 92% => OK
Unique words: 214.0 204.123752495 105% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.411538461538 0.468620217663 88% => More unique words wanted or less content wanted.
syllable_count: 823.5 705.55239521 117% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.6 1.59920159681 100% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 4.0 4.96107784431 81% => OK
Article: 8.0 8.76447105788 91% => OK
Subordination: 4.0 2.70958083832 148% => OK
Conjunction: 2.0 1.67365269461 119% => OK
Preposition: 9.0 4.22255489022 213% => Less preposition wanted as sentence beginnings.
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 22.0 19.7664670659 111% => OK
Sentence length: 23.0 22.8473053892 101% => OK
Sentence length SD: 48.900578002 57.8364921388 85% => OK
Chars per sentence: 119.409090909 119.503703932 100% => OK
Words per sentence: 23.6363636364 23.324526521 101% => OK
Discourse Markers: 3.0 5.70786347227 53% => More transition words/phrases wanted.
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 2.0 5.25449101796 38% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 11.0 8.20758483034 134% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 5.0 6.88822355289 73% => OK
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 6.0 4.67664670659 128% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.264135392323 0.218282227539 121% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.0931821978136 0.0743258471296 125% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0722174238666 0.0701772020484 103% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.159522039126 0.128457276422 124% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0482626649182 0.0628817314937 77% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 14.2 14.3799401198 99% => OK
flesch_reading_ease: 48.13 48.3550499002 100% => OK
smog_index: 3.1 7.1628742515 43% => Smog_index is low.
flesch_kincaid_grade: 12.3 12.197005988 101% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 12.31 12.5979740519 98% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.94 8.32208582834 95% => OK
difficult_words: 104.0 98.500998004 106% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 10.5 12.3882235529 85% => OK
gunning_fog: 11.2 11.1389221557 101% => OK
text_standard: 11.0 11.9071856287 92% => OK
What are above readability scores?
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Rates: 66.67 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 4.0 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.