GRE sample argument pool essay topic 2
The following appeared as part of a letter to the editor of a scientific journal.
"A recent study of eighteen rhesus monkeys provides clues as to the effects of birth order on an individual's levels of stimulation. The study showed that in stimulating situations (such as an encounter with an unfamiliar monkey), firstborn infant monkeys produce up to twice as much of the hormone cortisol, which primes the body for increased activity levels, as do their younger siblings. Firstborn humans also produce relatively high levels of cortisol in stimulating situations (such as the return of a parent after an absence). The study also found that during pregnancy, first-time mother monkeys had higher levels of cortisol than did those who had had several offspring."
Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.
A number of research is being done all around the world to broaden our knowledge on how body of living organism work. The prompt provides a brief part of findings of such study. According to the author, birth order has effects on an individual's levels of stimulation as seen in a study of number of rhesus monkeys. However, before reaching to conclusion, the author should provide answer to following questions which qualifies the unjustified assumptions of the argument.
First of all, does eighteen monkeys represent all the animals around the world? There are more than twenty different species of monkeys themselves. What if the effects on stimulation is limited to those specimens only and could not be validated to other animals? The sample size is too low to reach any conclusion. Also, the monkeys taken into study might be from the same society and all showed same behavior. Brain function of monkeys are known to be very close to that of human beings. They try to imitate and learn behavior of others in their surroundings. If the monkeys are from same herd, then they certainly cannot represent other monkeys, let alone the whole living organism and the argument won't stand.
Secondly, it might not necessarily be true that the higher production of cortisol in first born when any threat occurs or monkeys from other clans appear, is due to the order of its birth. It might be because the first born are bigger in size than the younger ones and bigger the size more the generation of cortisol. And after further growth, the younger ones also start producing same amount of the hormone. Unless the author provides us information about the relation between size of the animal and production of hormone, the argument will not hold water.
And finally, the author is assuming that if monkeys and human have similar nature, then all other beings will follow the same pattern. It is not true most of the time. For example, a human child after being born needs nurturing for a long period of time for her to be able to go out to the world for survival. However, the baby tiger will learn to hunt and feed in its own within days. Same goes to even domesticated animals like cows and goats. So, to just summarize by matching the research findings to human behavior is absurd and can lead to wrong results.
So, if the author provides answers to the above questions and justify the unwarranted assumptions he made in the prompt, then the letter can be taken for further consideration.
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Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 2.5 out of 6
Category: Poor Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 3 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 2 2
No. of Sentences: 23 15
No. of Words: 432 350
No. of Characters: 2014 1500
No. of Different Words: 220 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.559 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.662 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.391 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 136 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 95 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 58 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 33 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 18.783 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 7.052 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.565 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.265 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.265 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.067 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 1 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 1, column 1, Rule ID: MANY_NN_U[5]
Message: Possible agreement error. The noun research seems to be uncountable; consider using: 'much research', 'a good deal of research'.
Suggestion: Much research; A good deal of research
A number of research is being done all around the world to b...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 3, column 228, Rule ID: ADJECTIVE_IN_ATTRIBUTE[1]
Message: A more concise phrase may lose no meaning and sound more powerful.
Suggestion: bigger
... It might be because the first born are bigger in size than the younger ones and bigger the si...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 4, column 239, Rule ID: PERIOD_OF_TIME[1]
Message: Use simply 'period'.
Suggestion: period
...r being born needs nurturing for a long period of time for her to be able to go out to the wor...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, finally, first, however, if, second, secondly, so, then, for example, first of all
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 20.0 19.6327345309 102% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 11.0 12.9520958084 85% => OK
Conjunction : 14.0 11.1786427146 125% => OK
Relative clauses : 5.0 13.6137724551 37% => More relative clauses wanted.
Pronoun: 17.0 28.8173652695 59% => OK
Preposition: 66.0 55.5748502994 119% => OK
Nominalization: 12.0 16.3942115768 73% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2061.0 2260.96107784 91% => OK
No of words: 431.0 441.139720559 98% => OK
Chars per words: 4.7819025522 5.12650576532 93% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.55637350225 4.56307096286 100% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.47441894672 2.78398813304 89% => OK
Unique words: 228.0 204.123752495 112% => OK
Unique words percentage: 0.529002320186 0.468620217663 113% => OK
syllable_count: 635.4 705.55239521 90% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.5 1.59920159681 94% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 4.0 4.96107784431 81% => OK
Article: 10.0 8.76447105788 114% => OK
Subordination: 4.0 2.70958083832 148% => OK
Conjunction: 2.0 1.67365269461 119% => OK
Preposition: 3.0 4.22255489022 71% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 23.0 19.7664670659 116% => OK
Sentence length: 18.0 22.8473053892 79% => The Avg. Sentence Length is relatively short.
Sentence length SD: 41.7434327493 57.8364921388 72% => OK
Chars per sentence: 89.6086956522 119.503703932 75% => OK
Words per sentence: 18.7391304348 23.324526521 80% => OK
Discourse Markers: 3.82608695652 5.70786347227 67% => OK
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 3.0 5.25449101796 57% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 5.0 8.20758483034 61% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 8.0 6.88822355289 116% => OK
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 10.0 4.67664670659 214% => Less facts, knowledge or examples wanted.
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.161063502616 0.218282227539 74% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.0451220716066 0.0743258471296 61% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0639000937951 0.0701772020484 91% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.0913881443897 0.128457276422 71% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0711769464816 0.0628817314937 113% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 10.5 14.3799401198 73% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 61.67 48.3550499002 128% => OK
smog_index: 3.1 7.1628742515 43% => Smog_index is low.
flesch_kincaid_grade: 9.1 12.197005988 75% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 10.44 12.5979740519 83% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.64 8.32208582834 92% => OK
difficult_words: 85.0 98.500998004 86% => OK
linsear_write_formula: 8.0 12.3882235529 65% => OK
gunning_fog: 9.2 11.1389221557 83% => OK
text_standard: 8.0 11.9071856287 67% => The average readability is low. Need to imporve the language.
What are above readability scores?
---------------------
Rates: 66.67 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 4.0 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.