Television is a source of knowledge and entertainment 24*7 throughout the world. Everyday lots of news, entertainment, sports, educational and other channels provide information from one end of earth to another. In my opinion parents should allow their kids to watch television. So that they will be updated about all the information about new technologies, methods, study materials etc.
First reason for parents to allow their children to watch television is that as kids grow up they have to face the competitive world and play hard to survive and prove their existence. Because of television they will get all the information through news and educational channels to know the things happening around the world. For example, if kids are allowed to watch television they will learn about their geography, history and related events etc which are mostly asked question during a general knowledge competition.
Another reason for parents to allow their kids to watch television is when kids come back home from their school, coaching or sports they need to relax their mind. For that they can watch their favorite entertainment show on television to get relief from daily chores. For instance when kids come back from school and still engaged in stress of studies they should be allowed to watch their favorite show so that they can refresh their mood and go back to study.
Additionally, television is also a source to educate kids about any thing they want to learn. Sometime it's difficult to understand what is written in the books but by watching it in the form of short film or graphic illustration makes things easy to understand and learn passively. Like in case when I was learning about gene mutation, it was not easy for me to understand it through books, but when I saw a video on discovery channel it became an permanent memory for me and I can't forget about the whole process after watching that video.
In conclusion, watching television may be not a preference for every parent for their kids. But by knowing the advantages like gaining knowledge, entertainment purpose and a passive method to learn difficult things written in the books, I think parents should allow their kids to watch television. Because everything has its dark side.
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flaws:
1. You didn't write topic sentence correctly. Topic sentences should be simple and straightforward. One short sentence is enough. Like in this essay, topic sentences can be:
First, kids can get more knowledge by watching TV.
Second, kids can relax their mind by watching TV after they are back school.
Third, ...
2. The examples in the essay are like repetitive contents. In the reason two, 'For instance when kids come back from school...'. This example is extra, because it is the duplicate of the sentence 'Another reason for parents to allow their kids to watch television is when kids come back home from their school, coaching or sports they need to relax their mind.'.
Suggestion: put more arguments, don't put a long example. Specially don't put 'for example' or 'for instance' to mention this is an example.
3. Read more essays from top users. And think how they develop ideas. Take some sentences from them if possible.
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http://www.testbig.com/essay-categories/toefl
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 21 in 30
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 16 15
No. of Words: 377 350
No. of Characters: 1846 1500
No. of Different Words: 186 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.406 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.897 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.638 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 120 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 93 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 59 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 44 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 23.562 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 10.96 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.625 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.356 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.589 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.07 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5