56.
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Competition between friends always has a negative effect on their friendship.
What makes a human being different from other creatures throughout the world is his strong feelings, and long-lasting friendships. When it comes to competition issue, controversy surrounds the issue of whether competing with friends will destroy a friendship or not. Some people are of the opinion that competition among friends can encourage them to learn a lot from each other rather than experience negative consequence. I believe, however, competition can weaken friendship for the following reasons.
One of the most interesting aspects of the current discussion which demands a keen contemplation is that when friends compete with each other at school, they try to exceed other no matter even if competition leads to spoiled relationship. These days, competition would be highly tight. Students make attempt to perform effectively. They do not care about their friends. They just think about themselevs and their futures. For example, when a teacher stimulates students to get higher score in order to be eligible for a scholorship position, all students study hard, they even pay no attention to their friends who need some helps with subjects. Even the worse is that they become less likely to share their academic material so that they could win scholarship. As you can see, disregarding even close friends' academic situation in a class while she needs some assistance would be the result of unhealthy competition among the class.
Another noteworthy aspect of the ongoing discussion which needs to be reflected is that in order to get promotion at work, employees exploit others, which results in destroying friendly atmosphere at an office. Since an employer declares that if a worker does the project within a short time, he will be promoted to a higher level that enables them to gain a high-paying job, all people try to capture such golden situation. They even betray on their close colleagues at work. For example, some of them hide others' files not to be able to submit the project before the due time. As a result, such unfriendly competition is the result of competition among employees.
To sum up, not only does competition at schools induce jealousy among students but it also contributes to the unhealthy atmosphere at work. I hope that all people learn that the true mean of competition learning from each other in order to succeed in the future rather than using each other as a ladder to achieve our personal goals.
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they try to exceed other no matter even if competition leads to spoiled relationship.
Description: can you re-write this sentence? related to 'no matter even if'
Sentence: They just think about themselevs and their futures.
Error: themselevs Suggestion: themselves
Sentence: For example, when a teacher stimulates students to get higher score in order to be eligible for a scholorship position, all students study hard, they even pay no attention to their friends who need some helps with subjects.
Error: scholorship Suggestion: scholarship
flaws:
You don't have toic sentences for the reasons. There are only two examples for students and employees.
should be like this:
Para 1: introduction. my choice: A or B. agree or disagree.
Para 2: First,reason 1 (1 sentence) + why reason 1(some arguments. 2-3 sentences) + examples for reason 1 (around 2 sentences) + small conclusions (like advantages of reason 1 or comparisons if not reason 1, 1-2 sentences).
Para 3: Second,reason 2 ,blabla... do the same thing as First
Para 4: Third, reason 3 blabla... do the same thing as First but shorter
Para 5: Conclusion.
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 20 in 30
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 1 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 2 2
No. of Sentences: 19 15
No. of Words: 402 350
No. of Characters: 2001 1500
No. of Different Words: 221 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.478 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.978 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.727 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 137 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 106 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 72 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 53 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 21.158 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 11.412 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.474 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.289 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.464 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.082 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 4 5