Most of the schools are planning to replace sports and exercise classes with more academic sessions. What is your opinion on this change? How is this change will affect children’s life in your view?
Due to technology revolution new subjects are introduced in school curriculum every year. To cope up and cover all the subjects school not allowing for students for personal training classes and ask them to attend academic classes. It is a burden for young children to learn all the times in the school.
Moreover, School are working hard in compete with other schools for their academic results. To attract more students and to show its reputation, it forces students to study harder even in holidays also they are keeping special classes to cover all the subjects. They ask children to stay in class than going to play in personal training period and allocate staffs who is free will take classes for them.
In addition, one or two months before examination, personal training classes are changed into special examination and their results will be available on next day. According to their daily results they have study in the evening extra classes if they receive lower marks.
Furthermore, for children it is mental torture to study of whole academic year and they are eager waiting for their annual holidays. Due to continuous study and not attending personal training classes makes children obese, stress and anxiety. Even some students are forced to suicide because of continuous study and mental torture by the school.
To conclude, according to me, children are allowed to play in their sports sessions which make them relax and concentrate more on their studies. They have to play and study both are important for their mental and physical development. Continuous study makes children risks of depression. School should allow their children to participate in sports activity makes them more intelligent and confidence to face their academic examination and get excellent results.
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Comments
Thanks Tessy for your
Thanks Tessy for your valuable feedback,
I forget to proofread this essay that is why some places it is incomplete.
They have to play and study both important in their mental and physical development. --> They have to play and study both are important for their mental and physical development.
I didn't form the below sentence properly
According to their daily results they have study in extra classes if they receive lower marks in the evening. --> According to their daily results they have study in the evening extra classes if they receive lower marks.
Sentence: To cope up and
Sentence: To cope up and cover all the subjects school not allowing for students for personal training classes and ask them to attend academic classes.
Suggestion: To cope up and cover all the subjects, school is not allowing for students for personal training classes and asks them to attend academic classes.
Need to re-write this sentence.
Sentence: Moreover, School are working hard in compete with other schools for their academic results.
Description: The token in is not usually followed by a verb, base: uninflected present, imperative or infinitive
Suggestion: Refer to in and compete
Sentence: They have to play and study both are important for their mental and physical development.
Suggestion: They have to play and study both which are important for their mental and physical development.
Sentence: School should allow their children to participate in sports activity makes them more intelligent and confidence to face their academic examination and get excellent results.
Suggestion: School should allow their children to participate in sports activity which makes them more ...
flaws:
No. of Grammatical Errors: 4 2 (read a grammar book)
No. of Different Words: 148 200 (improve vocabulary words)
The essay is out of topic in body part. You need to write 'How is this change will affect children’s life'.
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: ? out of 9
Category: ? Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 4 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 15 15
No. of Words: 290 350
No. of Characters: 1473 1500
No. of Different Words: 148 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.127 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.079 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.478 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 112 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 89 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 60 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 24 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 19.333 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 5.94 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.333 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.355 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.606 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.129 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5
Hai dev...
Both study and play are important...
Make a clear opinon in the introduction itself..
:restate it in the conclusion...
:I hope you are partially agreeing with it..
:You have strong points
:You need proper inter connection between these ideas..so that you can easily come to the conclusion. Concentrate little bit more..):
Tessy