The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"Jazz music is extremely popular in the city of Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Also, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe. Nevertheless, the nearest jazz club is over an hour away. Given the popularity of jazz in Monroe and a recent nationwide study indicating that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment, we predict that our new jazz music club in Monroe will be a tremendously profitable enterprise."
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.
In the passage a group of developers request a loan for a small Jazz shop they want to open and they base their arguments mainly in the high possibility this shop has to be profitable. They mention an annual Jazz festival, properties owned by famous Jazz musicians in Monroe and a nationwide survey regarding Jazz fans expenses per year. In the following paragraphs I have found and prioritized the questions that have arisen by the arguments the developers are making.
Firstly the developers, should answer to a question regarding a weak analogy they make in their application. More specifically, it is stated that over 100.000 people attended Monroe's annual Jazz festival and therefore Jazz is extremely popular. We don't really know if all the people that were in the festival were solely originated from Monroe. Consider the following case for example, Monroe is a small town with lot of green, 1 hour away from a big Capital. Many people would come from the capital which is only 1 hour away in order to attend the festival but these people do not live in Monroe. Therefore, the developers should answer whether the people that attended the festival were living in Monroe or not. A possible way to do this is to conduct a survey among ticket-holders from the last years festival and ask them were they live. If the majority indeed lived in the Monroe area then the application should be evaluated possivetly otherwise the developers should find another reasons and facts to help their case.
Secondly, a question is raised when the producers take assumptions as facts. More specifically, they mention the highest-rated radio show or that a number of well-known Jazz musicians own property in Monroe. These are clearly assumptions because we don't really know by whom this radio show was rated. It was rated via internet? It was rated via a survey conducted locally with only a small specimen? Also, we do not know the exact number of the musicians and how well-known they really are. For example, if there are only two musicians that own property in the area and they have only two records in their portfolio they are not so widely known as the passage suggests. Therefore questions regarding the arguments of the producers are being raised. A possible way to find more answers in these questions is to make a more wide survey in order to rate the radio show or to find exactly the number and popularity of the artists that live in the area.
Lastly, a nationwide study is being mentioned. This, raises two types of question. The first one regarding how applicable is this nationwide survey to the small area of the Town of Monroe and the second one is whether these expenses the typical jazz fans make are capable to make such a business tremendously profitable. For example, if the study refers to a large country such as US and the city of Monroe lies in an area that it is not so interested in jazz then the study cannot be applied. Or for example if the profits from these 1000 $ expenses are very small then the business may have no profits at all. Therefore answers to these questions can be found by making more local surveys and by hiring specialists in finance to find whether these 1000 $ can serve as profits or not. Answering these questions could lead to oficials refusing the loan application or could lead in the opposite direction which is to offer more money as an incentive to the developers.
To sum up, in this essay a series of questions regarding the fallacies the developers made in their application were raised and the possible solutions to these questions were answered. The developers should make more actions in order to support their case and make it more solid in order to have their load and to make their corporation start up.
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Sentence: If the majority indeed lived in the Monroe area then the application should be evaluated possivetly otherwise the developers should find another reasons and facts to help their case.
Description: A determiner/pronoun, singular is not usually followed by a noun, plural, common
Suggestion: Refer to another and reasons
Sentence: If the majority indeed lived in the Monroe area then the application should be evaluated possivetly otherwise the developers should find another reasons and facts to help their case.
Error: possivetly Suggestion: passively
Sentence: Answering these questions could lead to oficials refusing the loan application or could lead in the opposite direction which is to offer more money as an incentive to the developers.
Error: oficials Suggestion: officials
argument 1 -- OK
argument 2 -- not OK. 'high rate' is not equal to 'highly popular'
argument 3 -- OK
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flaws:
argument 1 and argument 2 should put into one argument.
need one more argument for:
'Also, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe. Nevertheless, the nearest jazz club is over an hour away.'
Your arguments are 'verbose'. It should be simpler. Don't need the survey in the conclusion for every argument.
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Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 3.0 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 1 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 2 2
No. of Sentences: 29 15
No. of Words: 656 350
No. of Characters: 3060 1500
No. of Different Words: 256 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 5.061 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.665 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.554 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 202 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 147 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 107 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 75 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 22.621 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 9.611 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.655 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.27 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.456 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.121 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5