Argument:The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
The loan application claims that start a jazz music in Monroe would be a profitable enterprise. To support his claims,the application argues that there is no other jazz clubs in Monroe so that the proposed new jazz club would occupy the whole market of Monroe. Besides, he also cites various other evidence to support that jazz is popular in Monroe. Close scrutiny of each of the supporting evidence,however,none of them lend credible support to application's claim.
First of all, if profits from jazz club in Monroe are indeed tremendously as the applicant alleged,it seems that Monroe would already have one or two clubs. However, actually,the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away which may suggest that the jazz music is not attracted to the people in Monroe as the application imagined. Since the application has not adequately responded to this concern,his claim that the proposed club would be profitable.
Second, as for the great number of people attended Monroe 's annual jazz festival,i don't think this fact is credible enough to support the claim that jazz is popular.Because it's entirely possible that the vast majority of festival attendees are out-of- town visitors.
Moreover, the fact that highest-rated radio program in Monroe is jazz night" also contain flawed about where the judgement comes from. Whether from the public in Monroe or just from the minority authority----several well-known jazz musicians resided in there. After all, the publics' opinion can't be replace by few people. Even if the public indeed prefer to enjoy jazz music, the highest-rated radio program can also pose competition for the C-Note club which will threaten the club's actual profit from Monroe,given maybe most of people prefer to stay at home listening to jazz music than enjoying the club.
Finally, the nationwide study shows that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment which would lend support the applicants claim only if Monroe residents typify jazz fans nationwide. However,the applicant provides no credible evidence that is the case.
In sum, the argument is not credible. To strength it,the application must need to offer the evidence that they have ability to compete with the radio program and to sure that the residents will constant enjoy their club .
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Comments
Argument:A recent study of eighteen rhesus monkeys provides clue
The author of the letter introduction a investigate result which perhaps reveal impact of birth order on an individual's levels of stimulation. To support the claim, the author cites three examples about the firstborn infant,firstborn humans and first-time mother monkey sequentially to prove that a positive relationship may be exists with birth order and the level of the hormone cortiso.
Close scrutiny of each of the evidence, however, none of them is credible.
First at all, as for the first example, producing twice as much of the hormone cortisol doesn't indicate that there is a relation with birth order and the level of hormone,perhaps it may be caused by other factors such as gender:as I know,monkeys of different gender will have different level of hormone even if they share the same circumstance. According to it,there is a flaw in the research that it doesn't remind gender and so that they can't rule out a following situation that all the first infant monkeys in experiment are female who will actually secrete more hormones. Even if they are not first infant,they can also produce the highest level of hormones. In short, the factors that have impact on the level of stimulation may be monkey's gender rather than birth order.
Second, about the firstborn humans, the experiment is also not credible.It's entirely possible that the firstborn infant doesn't have playmates at home, so parents are their only friends. After a period time doesn't see their parents, they will be so excited and then produce more hormones when parents come home. On the contrast, as for the later born infant, they use to play with their sisters or brothers,so maybe they don't mind whether their parents are at home or not.
Third, about the last experiment, the author assume unfairly that first-time mother monkeys who have higher levels of hormone will delivery an infant monkey that also have relatively more hormone. However, the author use no evidence to support the assumption.Lacking such evidence it is equally possible that the hormone level of mothers don't influence the offspring's. Thus, the author 's claim is not credible.
In sum, all these three examples can't attest the relationship with birth order and the level of hormone of cortiso.The results from the experiments may be influent by other factors,such as gender. So to strength the claim, the author should rule out all other possible factors.
Sentence: To strength it,the application must need to offer the evidence that they have ability to compete with the radio program and to sure that the residents will constant enjoy their club .
Description: A modal auxillary is not usually followed by an adjective
Suggestion: Refer to will and constant
Sentence: Moreover, the fact that highest-rated radio program in Monroe is jazz night' also contain flawed about where the judgement comes from.
Error: highest-rated Suggestion: highest rated
Sentence: Whether from the public in Monroe or just from the minority authority----several well-known jazz musicians resided in there.
Error: well-known Suggestion: well known
Sentence: Even if the public indeed prefer to enjoy jazz music, the highest-rated radio program can also pose competition for the C-Note club which will threaten the club's actual profit from Monroe,given maybe most of people prefer to stay at home listening to jazz music than enjoying the club.
Error: highest-rated Suggestion: highest rated
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 3.5 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 1 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 3 2
No. of Sentences: 16 15
No. of Words: 384 350
No. of Characters: 1882 1500
No. of Different Words: 196 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.427 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.901 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.434 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 132 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 93 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 60 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 31 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 24 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 11.657 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.688 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.373 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.637 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.133 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 6 5