The following appeared as part of a letter to the editor of a scientific journal.
"A recent study of eighteen rhesus monkeys provides clues as to the effects of birth order on an individual's levels of stimulation. The study showed that in stimulating situations (such as an encounter with an unfamiliar monkey), firstborn infant monkeys produce up to twice as much of the hormone cortisol, which primes the body for increased activity levels, as do their younger siblings. Firstborn humans also produce relatively high levels of cortisol in stimulating situations (such as the return of a parent after an absence). The study also found that during pregnancy, first-time mother monkeys had higher levels of cortisol than did those who had had several offspring."
Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.
While it may be true that the firborn infant individuals produce twice as much as cortisol which helps them for increased activity levels, the argument does not make a cogent case and inherently lacks the strong evidences to support the conclusion.
The author cites the recent study of the Eighteen monkeys as the basis as the support for the conclusion. The author does not mention about how the survey was conducted, but directly shows the conclusion of the survey that may be untrue. There may be other reasons for the hight amount of cristol in the first born monkey. May be the equipment noted the wrong reading for the first born baby due to some impurities in the measuring equipment. The firstborn monkey may have produced the high amount of cristol due to several others factors like the change tempaertaure condition and may be the first born monkey has some innate problems of the high cristol amont.
Having said about the procedures of the survey, the generalization of the result about the small sample to the whole species of monkey is another faulty assumption. The group of eighteen monkeys may not be the whooly correct sample to study about the particular monkeys. The eighteen monkeys may be of the same place and demostrating this behaviour, but the monkeys of other places may not show this type of the behavior.
Further, the author ssserts that the increase activity is the result of the high amount of the cristol in the body of the infant of the monkey. The incresed activities may the result of the increased metabolism in the infant monkey. The increase activities may be due to the other food items taken by that particular first born monkey. There is sure way to assume that the incresed activity is due to incresead amount of cristol.
Additionaly the author wants to comapre two dissimilar group and wants to assert the conclusion from group to the another group. The humans are inherently different that the monkeys, so the reasons for the incresed activities in human may be other things than that shown in the monkeys.
Even if the study is totally valid and the outcomes are fully correct, there is no way to say that the the these two study in the human and monkeys is sufficient to conclude about the Whole group of individuals. Having said that the author could have made the argument strong by adding how the study was conducted, how the sample to represnt the whole group of monkeys was taken and how the level of stimulant was measerured.
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Sentence: Additionaly the author wants to comapre two dissimilar group and wants to assert the conclusion from group to the another group.
Description: The token the is not usually followed by a determiner/pronoun, singular
Suggestion: Refer to the and another
Sentence: Even if the study is totally valid and the outcomes are fully correct, there is no way to say that the the these two study in the human and monkeys is sufficient to conclude about the Whole group of individuals.
Description: The token the is not usually followed by an article
Suggestion: Refer to the and the
Sentence: While it may be true that the firborn infant individuals produce twice as much as cortisol which helps them for increased activity levels, the argument does not make a cogent case and inherently lacks the strong evidences to support the conclusion.
Error: firborn Suggestion: ?
Sentence: The firstborn monkey may have produced the high amount of cristol due to several others factors like the change tempaertaure condition and may be the first born monkey has some innate problems of the high cristol amont.
Error: amont Suggestion: amount
Error: tempaertaure Suggestion: temperature
Sentence: The group of eighteen monkeys may not be the whooly correct sample to study about the particular monkeys.
Error: whooly Suggestion: wholly
Sentence: The eighteen monkeys may be of the same place and demostrating this behaviour, but the monkeys of other places may not show this type of the behavior.
Error: demostrating Suggestion: demonstrating
Sentence: Further, the author ssserts that the increase activity is the result of the high amount of the cristol in the body of the infant of the monkey.
Error: ssserts Suggestion: asserts
Sentence: The incresed activities may the result of the increased metabolism in the infant monkey.
Error: incresed Suggestion: increased
Sentence: The increase activities may be due to the other food items taken by that particular first born monkey.
Error: may Suggestion: No alternate word
Sentence: There is sure way to assume that the incresed activity is due to incresead amount of cristol.
Error: incresead Suggestion: increased
Error: incresed Suggestion: increased
Sentence: Additionaly the author wants to comapre two dissimilar group and wants to assert the conclusion from group to the another group.
Error: comapre Suggestion: compare
Sentence: The humans are inherently different that the monkeys, so the reasons for the incresed activities in human may be other things than that shown in the monkeys.
Error: incresed Suggestion: increased
Sentence: Having said that the author could have made the argument strong by adding how the study was conducted, how the sample to represnt the whole group of monkeys was taken and how the level of stimulant was measerured.
Error: measerured Suggestion: measured
Error: represnt Suggestion: represent
flaws:
No. of Spelling Errors: 13 2
This is a new GRE essay topic which is a bit different to those arguments essays.
You don't need to find flaws from the arguments but are asked to 'discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation...'.
You may re-write the essay.
Don't put a space before punctuation marks.
Always put a space after punctuation marks. E-rater is sensitive.
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: ? 6
Category: ? Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 2 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 13 2
No. of Sentences: 17 15
No. of Words: 431 350
No. of Characters: 2021 1500
No. of Different Words: 168 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.556 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.689 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.384 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 139 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 92 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 59 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 38 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 25.353 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 8.554 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.647 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.385 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.653 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.156 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 6 5