TOEFL Sample essay : integrated essay from TPO 10

In this set of material both the passage and the speaker are talking about two theories that cause the decline of the sea otter. The reading states that, the pollution hypothesis seemed the more likely of the two. Conversely the lecture casts a shadow of doubt on what has been presented on the passage and presents some evidence to refute them.

First, the reading claims that, industrial chemical pollution that could decrease the otters' resistance to life threatening infections and thus could cause their death. But the professor says that, this theory is weakened by that, no one can find any dead of sea otter along the Alaskan coast. And if the infection will threatened sea otter it will affect the predator as well.

Second, the reading argues that, the environmental pollution affects the entire ecosystem rather than a single species. this causes other sea mammals along the Alaskan coast to decline, and not because the orcas animals because those prefer to hunt large prey such as whale. However, the professor says that, if the orcas depend on the whales in his diet, so what's happen if the whales disappear because of the human activity? So the orcas must change their diet by hunting small animals such as seals and sea lions. indeed, this is the cause that lead to decline the small animals populations.

Third , the reading claims that, the environmental factors may have created uneven concentrations of pollutants along the coast, and this could explain the uneven pattern of otter decline. But the professor says that, uneven pattern is better explained by orca predation theory than pollution theory. Orcas' availability in the location depends on if the location is accessible to orcas or not. In addition, the orca is so large and they cannot access the shallow or rocky locations in which see otter had not declined there.

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seemed the more likely of the two.
seemed more likely the one of two.

industrial chemical pollution that could decrease the otters' resistance to life threatening infections and thus could cause their death.
Description: what is the verb for 'industrial chemical pollution'? can you re-write this sentence?

Sentence: And if the infection will threatened sea otter it will affect the predator as well.
Description: A modal auxillary is not usually followed by a verb, past participle
Suggestion: Refer to will and threatened

this is the cause that lead to decline the small animals populations.
this is the cause that leads to the decline of small animals' populations.

depends on if the location is accessible to orcas or not
depends on whether the location is accessible to orcas or not

flaws:
No. of Grammatical Errors: 5 2

No. of Words: 310 250
Write the essay in 20 minutes.

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Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 20 in 30
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 6 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 13 12
No. of Words: 310 250
No. of Characters: 1502 1200
No. of Different Words: 163 150
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.196 4.2
Average Word Length: 4.845 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.398 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 106 80
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 74 60
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 41 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 28 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 23.846 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 7.624 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.923 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.345 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.58 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.06 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 4 4