The following appeared in a memo from the director of student housing at Buckingham College.
"To serve the housing needs of our students,Buckingham College should build a number of new dormitories.Buckingham's enrollment is growing and,based on current trends, will double over the next 50 years,thus making existing dormitory space inadequate.Moreover,the average rent for an apartment in our town has risen in recent years.Consequently,students will find it difficult to afford off-campus housing.Finally,attractive new dormitories would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham"
The director of student housing at Buckingham College is making an argument that new attractive dormitories will attract more students to enroll at Buckingham College.However, the author has jumped to this conclusion without providing convincing evidences that would make his argument even stronger.
Firstly,author proposes new dormitories to serve the housing needs of College students. We don’t know the number of students currently enrolled at Bukingham College. Also had the author provided us with actual number students ,out of total student enrooled ,who requie dorm facilities and if the author provides number of existing dormitories and number of students occupying these dormitories, he could justify the proposal of new dormitories.
Secondly, author assumes that Buckingham’s enrollment will increase based on current trend. If author provides information regarding the type of courses offered at Buckingham and the courses which are famous among students , we can say that enrollment to a particular course may increase but not all courses. Courses which have high enrollment rates today may not be favored by students after fifty years depending upon type of course. Engineering courses always have high enrollment but, on the other hand psychology, literature courses have low enrollment. Thus, saying that it’s enrollment will double in next fifty years in unconvincing.
Author cites higher apartment rentals to strengthen his argument. Rentals have gone up in last two years and it depends upon real estate rates which keep on oscillating. May be after next two years rentals will plummet sharply and students will prefer off-campus housing. However, author should come out with analogy between off-campus housing and on-campus housing. What kinds of amenities are provided in the dormitories and how affordable it would be as compared to off-campus housing?
Finally, author should provide details which will strengthen his argument instead of trying to convince readers just on some non exhaustive assumptions.
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saying that it's enrollment will double
saying that its enrollment will double
Sentence: Also had the author provided us with actual number students ,out of total student enrooled ,who requie dorm facilities and if the author provides number of existing dormitories and number of students occupying these dormitories, he could justify the proposal of new dormitories.
Error: dorm Suggestion: No alternate word
Error: enrooled Suggestion: enrolled
Error: requie Suggestion: require
flaws:
Also need to argue against 'Finally,attractive new dormitories would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham"'
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 4.0 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 1 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 3 2
No. of Sentences: 15 15
No. of Words: 310 350
No. of Characters: 1692 1500
No. of Different Words: 175 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.196 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.458 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.695 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 144 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 114 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 73 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 45 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 20.667 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 10.756 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.733 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.354 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.624 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.193 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5