The following is a recommendation from the Board of Directors of Monarch Books.
"We recommend that Monarch Books open a café in its store. Monarch, having been in business at the same location for more than twenty years, has a large customer base because it is known for its wide selection of books on all subjects. Clearly, opening the café would attract more customers. Space could be made for the café by iscontinuing the children’s book section, which will probably become less popular given that the most recent national census indicated a significant decline in the percentage of the population under age ten. Opening a cafe will allow Monarch to attract more customers and better compete with Regal Books, which recently opened its own cafe."
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.
In order to attract more customers and boost its competitiveness , Monarch Book(MB)'s board of directors recommend that a cafe be open in its own store, and children's book section be canceled to make space for it, considering the its shrinking market, based on the recent national census. Although logical at the first glance, the decision is actually problematic after close examination. It could generate undesirable and maybe irreparable consequence to make this decision without considering several questions.
To start with, the fact itself that the recent national census indicates a shrinki...
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Sentence: Since it is also possible that in the specific region where MB locates, children's population remain the same or even increase.
Description: The fragment population remain the is rare
Suggestion: Possible agreement error: Replace remain with verb, past tense
Sentence: If so, canceling the children's section would be a poor mistake as it would decrease MB's diversity of book subjects and consequently mar the present customer base.
Error: mar Suggestion: No alternate word
Sentence: Even if the population of children around MB does have decreased, still it is too soon to delete the children's book section since a decline in population of children itself cannot determine whether the sales trend of the children's book falls correspondently.
Error: correspondently Suggestion: No alternate word
flaws:
No. of Words: 489 350 (less words in real exams. write the essay in half an hour)
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.271 0.35
It is on top list:
http://www.testbig.com/essay-categories/gmatgre
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 6.0 out of 6
Category: Excellent Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 1 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 2 2
No. of Sentences: 24 15
No. of Words: 489 350
No. of Characters: 2446 1500
No. of Different Words: 255 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.702 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.002 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.776 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 183 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 137 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 102 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 62 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 20.375 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 9.295 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.542 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.271 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.52 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.09 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 6 5