Milk and dairy products are rich in vitamin D and calcium—substances essential for building and maintaining bones. Many people therefore say that a diet rich in dairy products can help prevent osteoporosis, a disease that is linked to both environmental and genetic factors and that causes the bones to weaken significantly with age. But a long-term study of a large number of people found that those who consistently consumed dairy products throughout the years of the study have a higher rate of bone fractures than any other participants in the study. Since bone fractures are symptomatic of osteoporosis, this study result shows that a diet rich in dairy products may actually increase, rather than decrease, the risk of osteoporosis.
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.
The argument presented states that a diet rich in dairy products could increase the risk of osteoporosis, contrarian to the popular believe that they help prevent it, based in the fact that vitamin D and calcium are substances essential for building and maintaining bones, which dairy products have. The conclusion based on the study seems hasty and needs evidence to strengthen and prove the claim.
First, the assumption that people makes that dairy rich products help prevent the osteoporosis lacks the data to back it up. Since osteoporosis is a disease that is not only based in environmental factors such as the diet, but it is also affected by genetics, and the grade in which genetics affects the patient, would determine how much useful the consumption of these products are and how would they benefit the consumer in the future, since the diseases enervates the patient with age.
Second, the long-term study in which is based the conclusion of the statement present several flaws and hastily assumptions that have no evidence or are based in “post hoc” arguments. The paragraph does not mention in any way how the study was developed. The results should be presented along a number of factors that determines its validity. Sais factors can include but not necessarily limit to: exact size of the people involved, since “a large number” is not a valid quantification; geography of the persons in the study, knowing where they are from helps to validate that the study is based on a varied pool of subjects; age of the participants, if the age in which the most fractures happened are smaller, it could weaken the conclusion, since osteoporosis is a disease that mostly presents in older people; percentage in which the rate of people that consumed dairy products is larger than those that did not; background of fractures, the study ought to present the data establishing the motives of the fractures and in what circumstances they happened, such as accidents, falls, fights, etc.; on the same way the report should present the activity of the participants with lesser rates of fractures, maybe they are more careful about accidents or do not involve in activities that have the risk of fracture; finally the study should state how many years passed since the beginning and the end of the observations and what were the conditions before it began.
Finally, the conclusion that a diet rich in dairy products increased the risk of osteoporosis just based in the rate of bone fractures is poor and needs to be substantiated and hardened with other studies. The fact that bone fractures are symptomatic of osteoporosis does not mean that it is an exclusive symptom for that disease, people break bones all the time because of different reasons and not all of them develop the ailment. Moreover, it is not also the only symptom to look for; a genetic study could fortify the diagnosis.
In conclusion, without more evidence and further research, the conclusion stated in this argument diminish greatly and undermine its credibility as a reliable source for the condemnation of the consumption of dairy products.
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Comments
Since it's asking for
Since it's asking for evidence, in the first paragraph maybe I did not wrote it ok, I was not trying to disagree, but to say that it needs the data to be a more compelling argument.
Why is it too much bad? I've read that large essays are correlated with a better grade (at least according with Manhattan prep) even if ETS claims that it does not matter.
thank you for the comments!
When we see the first
When we see the first argument, we consider you didn't understand the topic well. So great credit is removed.
The second issues is related to the second argument. You put a lot of content there, then we consider you didn't not focus on something or logically it is not clear (even though you argued properly). and actually it is not possible to put 520 words in 30 minutes in a real exam for argument essays. so we give you a low mark to remind you.
You don't compare your essays to those sample essays. Those sample essays may have been edited. However, we only consider how is your performance if you are going to do this essay in GRE test room in 30 minutes.
argument 1 -- not OK.
you: 'the assumption that people makes that dairy rich products help prevent the osteoporosis lacks the data to back it up'
This is actually something you should not disagree. Read the topic again.
argument 2 -- OK but too much. No. of Words: 520
argument 3 -- OK
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 3.5 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 14 15
No. of Words: 520 350
No. of Characters: 2544 1500
No. of Different Words: 232 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.775 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.892 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.7 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 165 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 140 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 96 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 62 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 37.143 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 23.287 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.571 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.346 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.586 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.06 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5