If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change?

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If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change?

Yesterday I was passing by the street in which I saw one of our local newspapers saying that: “A large Majority of town are suffering from lack of education”. This issue rang a bell in my mind and if I could change an essential thing in our hometown, I would definitely change the level of education and knowledge in there. I came up with this answer for three reasons. Firstly, education can improve societies. Secondly, it can make us a better place to live and Finally, it can provides society with better amenities.

First of all, It is believed that “Knowledge is power” and knowledge comes from education, which gives education the power of improvement in a person, group, society and even a nation. If we turn our gaze to developed countries, such as America, Germany and Japan, we can see they owe this development to their well-educated people. Education has a power for improvement and since everybody wants improvement in their society, It is necessary for everyone to improve their society by educate themselves.

How can we imagine an ideal highly educated society in which people are suffering from poverty, unemployment or addiction? for instance, consider a poor-educated society. Since people don’t have any idea about what are the consequences of addiction, addiction is able to grow rapidly among people In such society. On the other hand, it is not even a problem in an educated society for their knowledge. One of my country’s famous novelists, Dr. Shariati, says that: “Education is the only way for a nation to achieve man-kind’s rich culture”.In addition, Most psychologists acclaim that: “Lots of flaws grow in a society just because of their lack of knowledge and education”. As a case in point, last observations on both educated and non-educated groups in Royan Research Center of Iran indicates lots of misbehaviors in second group. So I can create a better place for myself by changing and improving knowledge of my hometown.

Finally, having educated people for a society can bring them more facilities. For instance, consider a small town in which there are two or three doctors majored in various areas. Anyone with common diseases can find the cure in town. On the contrary, People have lots of hardships in a town in which there is no doctor. I can remember one of my friends in university who was studying civil engineering; After he educated from university, he returned to his town and made great changes in there, such as constructing a hypermarket and a high school. I want to go through same way that he did and make my hometown more comfortable.

All in all, These important reasons make me believe this is best and most crucial thing to change in both small and big societies. I hope one day comes in which I would see title of newsstands saying about our high educated people with their rich culture.

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Yesterday I was passing by the street
Yesterday I was walking along the street

Sentence: Secondly, it can make us a better place to live and Finally, it can provides society with better amenities.
Description: A modal auxillary is not usually followed by a verb, present tense, 3rd person singular
Suggestion: Refer to can and provides

this is best
this is the best

Sentence: Education has a power for improvement and since everybody wants improvement in their society, It is necessary for everyone to improve their society by educate themselves.
Description: A preposition is not usually followed by a verb, base: uninflected present, imperative or infinitive
Suggestion: Refer to by and educate

flaws:
No. of Grammatical Errors: 4 2

Don't need to list reasons in the introduction paragraph.

Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 22 in 30
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 4 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 22 15
No. of Words: 489 350
No. of Characters: 2287 1500
No. of Different Words: 244 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.702 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.677 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.685 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 155 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 122 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 84 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 57 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 22.227 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 9.366 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.636 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.308 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.507 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.117 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5