The statement claims that the primary goal of technological advancement is to increase people's efficiency in the goal of increasing leisure time for people. I partly agree while partly disagree with this statement as I expatiate in the following sections:
That the goal of technological advancement is to increase people's efficiency is evident. In most circumstances, people are driven by their basic material needs. The desire to eat better or to live in bigger houses is the drive force for many creations and inventions. With increased efficiency, one can produce more goods so that the general society can have a better living standard. Under this premise, the primary goal of technological improvement is to increase people's efficiency.
However, the increase in people's efficiency does not necessary mean more leisure time. Rather, the increase in efficiency means that people can produce more with similar time, or can produce similar amounts with less time. In either ways, more time can be allocated by people. Thousands of years ago, when our ancestors were still hunters and gatherers, they needed to spend most of their daytime searching for food in order to survive. In these societies, little time can be devoted to other activities. Ten thousand years ago, when people began cultivation of crops, fewer fractions of the population were needed to produce food enough to feed the whole society. Therefore, some people are free from the duties to produce food. These people then begin using their time for potteries, weapons, or fabrics. The division of labour marked a milestone in civilization in that certain people were allowed to develop their specialization which drive further development of societies.
That is not to say all the time free from technological advancement should be diverted into another productive duty. Surely we can work 18 hours a day, 7 days a week. However, to have a life without adequate pastime is boring. Even if we neglect the personal well being, leisure activities are themselves directly connected to productivity. Economist had long noticed that when people are "idle, in leisure", they are able to be more creative and therefore more productive. To have the right balance on the amount of leisure time is certainly critical.
In conclusion, technological advancements surely increase our productivity. However, we must allocate the precious time we save with increased productivity carefully and wisely. We need to take a balanced approach so that we can enjoy leisure activities while simutaneously increasing our productivity.
Sentence: We need to take a balanced approach so that we can enjoy leisure activities while simutaneously increasing our productivity.
Error: simutaneously Suggestion: simultaneously
flaws:
More sentences varieties wanted. Try to use less pronouns or not to use pronouns (like 'I, They, We...') as the subject of a sentence.
The arguments are great.
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 4.5 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 1 2
No. of Sentences: 25 15
No. of Words: 409 350
No. of Characters: 2123 1500
No. of Different Words: 210 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.497 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.191 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.859 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 161 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 127 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 87 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 61 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 16.36 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 5.469 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.48 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.298 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.495 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.105 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5