If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.
I do not live in my hometown as I went to the University in another city and then I moved again to start my new career after my final graduation. Despite this, I am used to return to my hometown several times during the year.
Every time that I come back home, I see that the traffic situation gets worst and worst. I think that it is time to subscribe a petition to let the major be aware of the community’s disappointment. I talked about that with my mother and she shares my observation. Therefore, one thing that I would like to change is the way in which the traffic is currently managed. I think that the major and his collaborators should be informed of this unsustainable situation.
Last month, my mother took around 1 hour to reach her working place. It is a straight path of 12 kilometers and usually it takes only 15 minutes. I was shocked to know that she needed so much time to go to work, because of the traffic as well as of the weather condition. The fact is that the street to pass in the industry district of our town is pretty old and full of holes. Given that, most of the drivers go quite slow along that street, because it is not safe to go too fast. I think that it is time to do something, some interventions are extremely necessary.
Alongside with this situation, that need to be urgently solved, I have the idea that there is room for improvement also in the urban area management. There is the strong necessity for more recreative green areas where people of all ages, from kids to senior citizens could enjoy their spare time. On one hand, senior citizens could rest on wood benches, while on the other one kids could play outside in a dedicated a safe park.
The potential outcome of this intervention would be that all citizens might benefit of different services which would improve their health conditions and would make more enjoyable their time outside.
- TPO 10 - Integrated task 70
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Comments
Sorry, In the first paragraph
Sorry, In the first paragraph, I meant that I am still used to return home from time to time, despite the fact that I do not live with my parents.. So is it grammatically wrong to write "I am used to", if I still have this habitude?
Then we need to say: I am
Then we need to say: I am used to returning...
I am used to return to my hometown
I used to return to my hometown // "used to" means in the past and you are no longer doing it and "I'm used to" means you are still used or accustomed to doing it
Sentence: I think that it is time to subscribe a petition to let the major be aware of the community's disappointment.
Description: An adjective is not usually followed by a verb 'to be', infinitive or imperative
Suggestion: Refer to major and be
Sentence: The potential outcome of this intervention would be that all citizens might benefit of different services which would improve their health conditions and would make more enjoyable their time outside.
Description: An adjective is not usually followed by a determiner, possessive
Suggestion: Refer to enjoyable and their
flaws:
It is 'mayor' or 'major'.
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The essay is not organized well. Try this pattern:
Para 1: introduction. my choice: A or B. agree or disagree.
Para 2: First,reason 1 (1 sentence) + why reason 1(some arguments. 2-3 sentences) + examples for reason 1 (around 1 sentences) + small conclusions (like advantages of reason 1 or comparisons if not reason 1, 1-2 sentences).
Para 3: Second,reason 2 ,blabla... do the same thing as First
Para 4: Third, a survey, conducted in UN ( or in a country, a school, a community), shows that A is better than B.... (here you can make a story)
Para 5: Conclusion.
An simple example (Eating at home or restaurant) for paragraph 2:
Para 2: First,reason 1 (1 sentence: Eating at home can save money) + why reason 1(some arguments. 2-3 sentences: I can prepare cheaper food from food market; I don't need to drive or take a bus to reach the restaurant; I don't need to pay tips...) + examples for reason 1 (around 1 sentence: for example, a sandwich can cost me $10 at restaurant, but it only cost me $5 at home.) + small conclusions (like advantages of reason 1 or comparisons if not reason 1, 1-2 sentences: with the money I saved, I can buy a good book to read; I can use the money for a trip...).
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Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 20 in 30
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 3 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 17 15
No. of Words: 345 350
No. of Characters: 1511 1500
No. of Different Words: 195 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.31 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.38 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.488 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 83 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 63 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 42 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 30 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 20.294 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 5.737 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.471 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.32 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.566 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.097 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5