The bar graph represents the Japanese tourists who traveled in other countries in a 10 year period, while the line graph illustrates the Australia's share of Japan's tourist market.
Let us take a look at the bar graph. It started to rise from 4.5 million in 1985 until 1990 with 11 million commuters to different destinations abroad. Moreover, it dropped slightly to 10.5 million in 1991. Nevertheless, in 1992, it has recovered and continuously climbed to 15 million travelers in 1995.
On the other hand, the line graph shows a 2% of tourist coming to Australia in 1985. In addition, it consistently inclined to 4.8% in 1988, but it slumped to 4.2% in 1989. However, it started to steadily increased until 1993 at 6.2%, which was considered to be in the highest peak. Lastly, it end up to 6% in 1994.
In sum, both data demonstrates a dramatic increase from 1985 to 1995 in Japan who used to travel in other countries, while the later diagram shows an Australia's share to Japan's tourist market.
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flaws:
Need to develop sentences smoothly. You may put less transition words like 'Nevertheless'....
Read a good sample:
http://www.testbig.com/ielts-writing-task-i-essays/charts-below-show-nu…
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 6.0 out of 9
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 10 10
No. of Words: 174 200
No. of Characters: 796 1000
No. of Different Words: 106 100
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 3.632 4.0
Average Word Length: 4.575 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.74 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 52 60
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 45 50
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 28 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 18 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 17.4 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 7.877 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.9 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.356 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.609 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.071 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 4 4