The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.
"A recent study rating 300 male and female advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than six hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. On the basis of this study, we recommend that businesses hire only people who need less than six hours of sleep per night."
In this argument, the author suggests that businesses hire only people with the need of sleeping for less than six hours per night. This assertion is based on a recent study of executives reflecting the relationship between the amount of sleep needed and the success of business, a report that firms with executives needing less sleep gain more profit, and a deduction that people who sleep less can bring more benefit to their company. Nonetheless, certain crucial evidence fails to be presented, which seriously undermine the validity of the conclusion.
The author mentions that a study concerning 300 executives shows the relevance of sleep and success in business. He apparently assumes that the size of sample is cogent enough to reflect the real condition of these respondents. Yet there is a probability that most of the respondents are so young and energetic as to undertake heavy assignments with little rest, or males among them are far more than females so that collectivity tends to need less recess. In this case, less sleep means higher efficiency. Therefore a larger sample and more details about these executives are required in order to warrant the cogency of the survey.
Even though there is an association between the amount of sleep and the success of firms, the author should not assert that firms with executives needing less sleep benefit more comparatively. It is clearly presumed that gaining profit equals to the success of a company. He might neglect that, however, the seemingly benefit is at a cost of the employee’s health, which would turn out to be a heavy burden for the company. Undertaking these potential payments, companies are more likely to regard the reduction on sleep as loss instead of benefit. Accordingly, the author needs to present more financial analysis to illustrate the liability of profit gained by a decrease of sleep.
Even if less sleep actually benefits for companies’ financial growth, the author can hardly rush to the suggestion that businesses hire only people who need less than six hours of sleep per night. He obviously premises that employees of any kind share the same relationship between the amount of sleep and the success of one’s business. Nonetheless, some positions such as engineer and worker, who need long-time concentration, tend to have lower efficiency without much enough rest. If people with less need of sleep are hired, their company will inevitably loss to those obtaining more efficient employees. Thus businesses should assess more objective and comprehensive judgement while recruiting new employees.
Conclusively, the author proposes that businesses hire only people who need sleep for less than six hours per night. Nevertheless, failing to provide some critical evidence for its convincing, the argument is severely impaired.
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will inevitably loss to
will inevitably lose to
argument 1 -- OK
argument 2 -- not OK.
suggested:
the authors conclusion is based on the assumption that the profit margins and the success of a firm depends only on the sleeping habits of the people working there. But there can be and there are many more factors which the growth rate of business as the skills , education level , diligence of the people and the strategies followed by the firm.
argument 3 -- better:
the study is conducted on the employees of a particular firm but the result is generalised to all forms of business. The work culture, environment and profit margins are different for different firms and the strategy that works for one firm may not be suitable or fruitful for other firms.
The author just comments on the people who sleep less than 6 hours that they had faster growth, but he has not said anything or conducted any analysis on those who sleep for more than 6 hours and still had higher growth margins. Even fixing this number 6 is questionable since there can be people who require still less number of hours yet perform better.
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 3.5 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 1 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 20 15
No. of Words: 453 350
No. of Characters: 2319 1500
No. of Different Words: 217 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.613 4.7
Average Word Length: 5.119 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.679 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 169 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 125 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 90 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 66 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 22.65 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 9.676 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.55 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.33 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.517 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.09 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5