a jazz music club in Monroe
This application suggests that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. To support this suggestion, the author points out that the new jazz club would have the whole local jazz market since the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away from the town. Besides this, the applicant also indicate that the jazz music is very popular in Monroe, it points out that over 10 thousand people attended jazz festival in Monroe. Also, it also shows that there are several well-known jazz musicians live in the town, and the most famous radio program in Monroe is called jazz night. The applicant summed up all these specialties of having jazz music club in Monroe, to show it is a profitable enterprise to invest. However, the applicant still needs to provide more evidence of these specialties to get the investment loan from the bank.
First and foremost, the author provides no evidence that the new jazz club would be popular or profitable just because the different location. Although the “65 miles” away does sounds attractive since the new club is closer to the town. However, no evidence shows that the people who like jazz music would choose to go to new one. There could be probabilities of all the people still go to the old and further one because they enjoy the old environment or the old feeling they memorize. If the applicant really needs this loan, he must provide the investigation data of “how many people in this town like to go to jazz club but think the club is too far?” Otherwise, it is hard for bank to accept its conclusion that the new jazz club could be profitable just because of the location.
To the other hand, even the number of 10 thousand people to a town is huge, but there is lack of evidence show that the 10 thousand people attend the jazz festival are all from Monroe. It could be people from other place who deeply love jazz music, what if the Monroe jazz festivals is the only place where people still hold jazz music festival? We could never assume something specific data. Therefore, more evidence would be better to support this conclusion.
Besides that, several well-known musicians live in town or the most popular radio program cannot be ensured. The Monroe could be beautiful such that those several well-known musicians love to live here. There needs more evidence, such as they live here because the people live in here love jazz music and they all respect the jazz music atmosphere here.
In conclusion, the suggestion that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise is not well supported. To support this conclusion more, the author needs to give more detail evidences, the data of people who love jazz music with how many people live in the town is unavoidable. Otherwise, the whole applicant is only about an fairy assumption.
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Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 4.0 out of 6
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 4 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 1 2
No. of Sentences: 22 15
No. of Words: 491 350
No. of Characters: 2287 1500
No. of Different Words: 178 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.707 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.658 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.385 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 138 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 95 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 69 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 47 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 22.318 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 7.801 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.591 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.366 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.548 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.136 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 5, column 352, Rule ID: EN_A_VS_AN
Message: Use 'a' instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
Suggestion: a
...wise, the whole applicant is only about an fairy assumption.
^^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, besides, but, first, however, if, really, so, still, therefore, well, in conclusion, such as
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 24.0 19.6327345309 122% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 13.0 12.9520958084 100% => OK
Conjunction : 9.0 11.1786427146 81% => OK
Relative clauses : 16.0 13.6137724551 118% => OK
Pronoun: 34.0 28.8173652695 118% => OK
Preposition: 54.0 55.5748502994 97% => OK
Nominalization: 15.0 16.3942115768 91% => OK
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2350.0 2260.96107784 104% => OK
No of words: 491.0 441.139720559 111% => OK
Chars per words: 4.78615071283 5.12650576532 93% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.70728369723 4.56307096286 103% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.46812423726 2.78398813304 89% => OK
Unique words: 193.0 204.123752495 95% => More unique words wanted.
Unique words percentage: 0.393075356415 0.468620217663 84% => More unique words wanted or less content wanted.
syllable_count: 729.0 705.55239521 103% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.5 1.59920159681 94% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 7.0 4.96107784431 141% => OK
Article: 10.0 8.76447105788 114% => OK
Subordination: 2.0 2.70958083832 74% => OK
Conjunction: 2.0 1.67365269461 119% => OK
Preposition: 7.0 4.22255489022 166% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 21.0 19.7664670659 106% => OK
Sentence length: 23.0 22.8473053892 101% => OK
Sentence length SD: 53.1268963914 57.8364921388 92% => OK
Chars per sentence: 111.904761905 119.503703932 94% => OK
Words per sentence: 23.380952381 23.324526521 100% => OK
Discourse Markers: 4.66666666667 5.70786347227 82% => OK
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 1.0 5.25449101796 19% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 17.0 8.20758483034 207% => Less positive sentences wanted.
Sentences with negative sentiment : 0.0 6.88822355289 0% => More negative sentences wanted.
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 4.0 4.67664670659 86% => OK
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.563647804154 0.218282227539 258% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.202759760854 0.0743258471296 273% => Sentence topic similarity is high.
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.192981240008 0.0701772020484 275% => The coherence between sentences is low.
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.341676382374 0.128457276422 266% => Maybe some contents are duplicated.
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.190163770311 0.0628817314937 302% => More connections among paragraphs wanted.
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 12.8 14.3799401198 89% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 56.59 48.3550499002 117% => OK
smog_index: 3.1 7.1628742515 43% => Smog_index is low.
flesch_kincaid_grade: 11.1 12.197005988 91% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 10.8 12.5979740519 86% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 6.87 8.32208582834 83% => OK
difficult_words: 65.0 98.500998004 66% => More difficult words wanted.
linsear_write_formula: 13.5 12.3882235529 109% => OK
gunning_fog: 11.2 11.1389221557 101% => OK
text_standard: 11.0 11.9071856287 92% => OK
What are above readability scores?
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Rates: 50.0 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 3.0 Out of 6
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Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.