The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."
In this memo, the author asserts that a jazz club will be profitable in the city of Monroe because nearest jazz club is far for residents, and there are high population attended the jazz festival last summer, there are several jazz musicians and radio programs related to the jazz which reveals that there is a high potential for jazz in the Monroe. People also spend money on jazz entertainment. Close scrutiny of these facts reveals that those above assumptions based on doubtful facts.
First of all, the geographical regions is a factor which people attend jazz and a far accessible place does not mean there is a potential area for establishing a new club since it is entirely possible that participating in the jazz festival was a anniversary ceremony which people attend because of their culture and in other times of the years no one tend them. So, a large number perhaps is resulted in vocation because many worker and employees have free time in the summer which allows them to take part in the summer festival.
Second, the author of the memo assumes that the Monroe is a profitable place since it has diverse radio programs and musicians. It is possible that the universities and colleges in the Monroe offer a high ranked program in the music courses, and so many students and teacher and professional musicians attend those academic environments. As for the radio programs, the author fails to see that to provide solid evidence regarding to the geographical property of the Monroe because it is possible that the place has a potential topography for transmitting signal for other regions. So number of radio programs never is related to local residents.
Finally, a typical jazz fan spends about 1000 dollars on jazz entertainment, according to the memo. The author con not convince me since he provide information about only just fans, perhaps other citizens pay no money for jazz entertainment like go to the trip and spend money on museum and natural parks. Or perhaps the number of jazz fans who spend money on the entertainment is related to other nearby residents who are from other regions and this money is seasonal not in constant rate.
To sum up, the author provide some questionable assumption to convince the committee to get loan to create a new jazz club in the city of Monroe, but there are no reasonable evidence behind the correctness of mentioned claims. To bolster this memo, the applicant should provide more information about the audience of radio programs and jazz fans in the region.
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Sentence: To sum up, the author provide some questionable assumption to convince the committee to get loan to create a new jazz club in the city of Monroe, but there are no reasonable evidence behind the correctness of mentioned claims.
Description: The fragment author provide some is rare
Suggestion: Possible agreement error: Replace provide with verb, present tense, 3rd person singular
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argument 1 -- not enough. here goes the arguments:
A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself.
argument 2 -- partly OK. here goes the arguments:
Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight.
argument 3 -- OK
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Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 3.5 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 1 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 14 15
No. of Words: 429 350
No. of Characters: 2062 1500
No. of Different Words: 188 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.551 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.807 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.635 2.4
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No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 103 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 70 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 40 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 30.643 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 16.646 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.643 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.382 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.634 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.136 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5