young children should not be prevented in using their money - sohrab
Many people believe that young children should not be prevented in using their money, they, for example, believe that a five years old boy, who has gained some money in his birthday ceremony must be able to spend his money on all the way that he wants; on the other hand, there are some other group of people, who believe that young children should become financially responsible adults, and, as a result, they should learn to manage their own money at a young age. I agree with the second group because of the reasons that I am going to explain.
First of all, I believe people should be financially responsible because of non-stable conditions, which they may be occur in their life time; for example loosing job. As a result, people must be trained on this way at a young age. To explain more, I prefer to use an example. One of my best friends, who I knew him from ten years ago was recently hired in a big company, which produces computer accessories. He was a very nice man; however, he had some problem in managing his money, he used to spend his money in many junky ways, and, as a result, he was not trained to save his money. As I remember, one day he called me and told me that his manager has fired him, he, as a result, had no money to pay for his loan, and, as a result, he became homeless because the bank sold his house for its money.
In addition, people must be able to manage their money in purpose of helping another people. For example, people should not spend their money in bad ways, they, in contrast, have better to spend their money to help poor people instead. For example, I believe that people should not spend their money for luxury cars or clothes; in contrast, they had better to use normal cars and clothes, and save their money, or if they had a lot of money, use it to help poor people.
Finally, managing money help people to be a good manager in all other aspect of their life; as a result, they are able to become a successful manager, successful doctor, and etc. Successful people, who are able to manage their money had been trained in their young age, they, as a result are in the group of best managers and advisors nowadays. For example, one of my friends, who is the manager of Mashhad Mall Company was a very financially responsible person, and he used to be financially responsible from his young age.
Overall, I believe that in order to become financially responsible adults, children should learns to manage their own money at a young age because of the reasons that I mentioned above.
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a five years old boy
a five year old boy
of non-stable conditions, which they may be occur in their life time;
of non-stable conditions, which may occur in their life time;
One of my best friends, who I knew him
One of my best friends, whom I knew him
managing money help people to be a good manager
managing money helps people to be a good manager
Sentence: In addition, people must be able to manage their money in purpose of helping another people.
Description: A determiner/pronoun, singular is not usually followed by a noun, plural, common
Suggestion: Refer to another and people
Sentence: Overall, I believe that in order to become financially responsible adults, children should learns to manage their own money at a young age because of the reasons that I mentioned above.
Description: A modal auxillary is not usually followed by a verb, present tense, 3rd person singular
Suggestion: Refer to should and learns
flaws:
No. of Grammatical Errors: 6 2
No. of Words: 466 while No. of Different Words: 173
Don't user this style a lot, like:
'they, for example, believe'
'he, as a result, had no money to pay for his loan'
'they, in contrast, have better to spend'
Attribute Value Ideal
Score: 20 in 30
Category: Good Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 6 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 0 2
No. of Sentences: 14 15
No. of Words: 466 350
No. of Characters: 1997 1500
No. of Different Words: 173 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.646 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.285 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.243 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 127 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 79 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 36 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 18 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 33.286 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 19.728 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.786 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.425 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.622 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.216 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 5 5