The following appeared as part of a recommendation from the financial planning office to the administration of Fern Valley University.
"In the past few years, Fern Valley University has suffered from a decline in both enrollments and admissions applications. The reason can be discovered from our students, who most often cite poor teaching and inadequate library resources as their chief sources of dissatisfaction with Fern Valley. Therefore, in order to increase the number of students attending our university, and hence to regain our position as the most prestigious university in the greater Fern Valley metropolitan area, it is necessary to initiate a fund-raising campaign among the alumni that will enable us to expand the range of subjects we teach and to increase the size of our library facilities."
According to the recommendation given by financial planning office to the administration of Fern Valley University, the enrolment in the university has decline and they have given the reason of this as the poor teaching and inadequate library resources. They suggest that to increase the admissions to the university they need to organize a fund raiser among the alumni and they would spend this money on increasing the subject and the size of the library facilities. According to me the reasons given for reduce admissions rate in university are baseless and the suggestion which the committee has come up is not apt. There are many reason to prove this.
First, there might be a case that the Fern valley which is a metropolitan area is not growing comparing to the other metropolitan areas of the country. As a result, there are not many jobs available for the graduates of the Fern valley University. It could be that the companies located in Fern valley pays less than other companies which are not located in the Fern valley so the students are choosing the area where they see that they will get the maximum returns on their investment. If the Fern valley wants to increase the admissions than they should work on their placement's and try to bring bigger companies on the campus.
Secondly, it could be the possible that the cost of living in the Fern valley is very high and the students are not able to afford it. So, the students are shifting to the university where cost of living is affordable. It could also be that the university have high tuition fees. So, by increasing the library size they would not be able to attract more students. They would need to lower their tuition fees and start to provide housing at a lower rate.
Thirdly, the reduce rate of admission in the university could be that they do not have a proper labs and latest machine on which the students can practise the real life problems which they are going to face in cooperates or the industries. The university should increase the labs and provide latest machine rather than increasing the courses which are being provided right now. It could also be that the teacher are not up to date with what is going on in the market and they are still teaching according to the old methods. The university should upgraded their teachers.
If the university does all the suggestion given above then it might see a increase in their admission and they would not go to alumni for the fund raising. So just by increasing the size of library and teaching more subjects Fern valley university would not see the expected results.
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Comments
e-rater score report
Attribute Value Ideal
Final score: 3.5 out of 6
Category: Satisfactory Excellent
No. of Grammatical Errors: 0 2
No. of Spelling Errors: 2 2
No. of Sentences: 19 15
No. of Words: 455 350
No. of Characters: 2116 1500
No. of Different Words: 180 200
Fourth Root of Number of Words: 4.619 4.7
Average Word Length: 4.651 4.6
Word Length SD: 2.505 2.4
No. of Words greater than 5 chars: 131 100
No. of Words greater than 6 chars: 101 80
No. of Words greater than 7 chars: 73 40
No. of Words greater than 8 chars: 47 20
Use of Passive Voice (%): 0 0
Avg. Sentence Length: 23.947 21.0
Sentence Length SD: 10.952 7.5
Use of Discourse Markers (%): 0.632 0.12
Sentence-Text Coherence: 0.346 0.35
Sentence-Para Coherence: 0.346 0.50
Sentence-Sentence Coherence: 0.099 0.07
Number of Paragraphs: 1 5
Grammar and spelling errors:
Line 1, column 469, Rule ID: ACCORDING_TO_ME[1]
Message: This phrase can sound awkward in English. Consider using 'in my opinion' or 'I think'.
Suggestion: In my opinion; I think
...and the size of the library facilities. According to me the reasons given for reduce admissions...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 1, column 630, Rule ID: MANY_NN[1]
Message: Possible agreement error. The noun reason seems to be countable; consider using: 'many reasons'.
Suggestion: many reasons
...ittee has come up is not apt. There are many reason to prove this. First, there might be...
^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 1, column 657, Rule ID: WHITESPACE_RULE
Message: Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
Suggestion:
...t. There are many reason to prove this. First, there might be a case that the Fe...
^^^
Line 4, column 10, Rule ID: A_INFINITVE[1]
Message: Probably a wrong construction: a/the + infinitive
...ide housing at a lower rate. Thirdly, the reduce rate of admission in the university cou...
^^^^^^^^^^
Line 4, column 285, Rule ID: THE_SUPERLATIVE[2]
Message: A determiner is probably missing here: 'provide the latest'.
Suggestion: provide the latest
...university should increase the labs and provide latest machine rather than increasing the cour...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Line 5, column 73, Rule ID: EN_A_VS_AN
Message: Use 'an' instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
Suggestion: an
...uggestion given above then it might see a increase in their admission and they wo...
^
Transition Words or Phrases used:
also, first, if, second, secondly, so, still, then, third, thirdly, as a result
Attributes: Values AverageValues Percentages(Values/AverageValues)% => Comments
Performance on Part of Speech:
To be verbs : 25.0 19.6327345309 127% => OK
Auxiliary verbs: 19.0 12.9520958084 147% => OK
Conjunction : 14.0 11.1786427146 125% => OK
Relative clauses : 16.0 13.6137724551 118% => OK
Pronoun: 36.0 28.8173652695 125% => Less pronouns wanted
Preposition: 52.0 55.5748502994 94% => OK
Nominalization: 8.0 16.3942115768 49% => More nominalizations (nouns with a suffix like: tion ment ence ance) wanted.
Performance on vocabulary words:
No of characters: 2151.0 2260.96107784 95% => OK
No of words: 455.0 441.139720559 103% => OK
Chars per words: 4.72747252747 5.12650576532 92% => OK
Fourth root words length: 4.61852021839 4.56307096286 101% => OK
Word Length SD: 2.55254075695 2.78398813304 92% => OK
Unique words: 179.0 204.123752495 88% => More unique words wanted.
Unique words percentage: 0.393406593407 0.468620217663 84% => More unique words wanted or less content wanted.
syllable_count: 677.7 705.55239521 96% => OK
avg_syllables_per_word: 1.5 1.59920159681 94% => OK
A sentence (or a clause, phrase) starts by:
Pronoun: 6.0 4.96107784431 121% => OK
Article: 5.0 8.76447105788 57% => OK
Subordination: 3.0 2.70958083832 111% => OK
Conjunction: 0.0 1.67365269461 0% => OK
Preposition: 3.0 4.22255489022 71% => OK
Performance on sentences:
How many sentences: 19.0 19.7664670659 96% => OK
Sentence length: 23.0 22.8473053892 101% => OK
Sentence length SD: 62.8349638894 57.8364921388 109% => OK
Chars per sentence: 113.210526316 119.503703932 95% => OK
Words per sentence: 23.9473684211 23.324526521 103% => OK
Discourse Markers: 4.15789473684 5.70786347227 73% => OK
Paragraphs: 5.0 5.15768463074 97% => OK
Language errors: 6.0 5.25449101796 114% => OK
Sentences with positive sentiment : 5.0 8.20758483034 61% => OK
Sentences with negative sentiment : 4.0 6.88822355289 58% => More negative sentences wanted.
Sentences with neutral sentiment: 10.0 4.67664670659 214% => Less facts, knowledge or examples wanted.
What are sentences with positive/Negative/neutral sentiment?
Coherence and Cohesion:
Essay topic to essay body coherence: 0.220976742915 0.218282227539 101% => OK
Sentence topic coherence: 0.0807431387858 0.0743258471296 109% => OK
Sentence topic coherence SD: 0.0698807992654 0.0701772020484 100% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence: 0.135596701975 0.128457276422 106% => OK
Paragraph topic coherence SD: 0.0530717218379 0.0628817314937 84% => OK
Essay readability:
automated_readability_index: 12.8 14.3799401198 89% => Automated_readability_index is low.
flesch_reading_ease: 56.59 48.3550499002 117% => OK
smog_index: 8.8 7.1628742515 123% => OK
flesch_kincaid_grade: 11.1 12.197005988 91% => OK
coleman_liau_index: 10.45 12.5979740519 83% => OK
dale_chall_readability_score: 7.28 8.32208582834 87% => OK
difficult_words: 72.0 98.500998004 73% => More difficult words wanted.
linsear_write_formula: 19.5 12.3882235529 157% => OK
gunning_fog: 11.2 11.1389221557 101% => OK
text_standard: 11.0 11.9071856287 92% => OK
What are above readability scores?
---------------------
Rates: 50.0 out of 100
Scores by essay e-grader: 3.0 Out of 6
---------------------
Note: the e-grader does NOT examine the meaning of words and ideas. VIP users will receive further evaluations by advanced module of e-grader and human graders.